Well. The day that I’ve been dreading for about three years has finally come. I can’t wrap my head around it. When I saw you in the cap and gown it tore my heart into two. Hearing you’re name. That really hurt me. I know no one will ever really understand. But he ment so much to me. You are the first person I ever actually had feelings for.
I remember before freshman year, the 7th grade, I had a huge crush on this trumpet player in my middle school. He was in the 8th grade. I thought he was the most amazing person ever. When he left middle school, I was really sad. I was pretty much depressed the whole year in 8th grade. I hated 8th grade. And the result of the was not good. I fought with friends because they didn’t understand me. I revolved my entire world around a guy who barley even knew I existed. I thought I was in love with him. But I was just in lust with him. It was nothing. When I heard he went to Olympain, I went to the district and transferred myself to Olympain. He was the reason why I went.
I remember my first day at school as a freshman. It feel just like yesterday. I was so excited to see this guy again. I was upset when I got my schedule because I had cadet. I was really scared my first day, along with my friends at the time. I had my iPod with me and just listened to it during passing period. I remember when I was first walking to the band hallway the first song that played on my iPod was “Eet” by Regina Specktor. I really did love this song.
As the my music was playing I walked into the bandroom and was absolutely amazed. I remember I sat next to Mayra. Then I noticed this really quiet guy sitting next to her. I wad purposly staring at him till he noticed me. Then he looked at me and I yelled out “Hi!” I introduced myself. Then i asked him What’s your name?” then he introduced himself and I laughed and said “Ha! I like your name” He had a straight face. I really don’t know what made me feel obligated to talk to him. He was the only one I introduced myself to.
Eventually, like 5 days later, I stopped liking the guy I fell for in middle school. I realized how stupid I was. I went the the hassle of making sure I went to the same school as him. A month or two later, I realized I started developing feelings for the quiet guy. I denied it for a while. I didn’t want like anyone else. In band, we were like bestfriends. Well not really. I was the only one you would talk to during cadet. We would talk about stupid things like of lady gaga was actually a man. ha.
I don’t know when, but I finally accepted that I liked you. I was the happiest I have ever been. I told myself that I shouldn’t get attached because I would be depressed when you would graduate. Just like 8th grade. Everyday I fell for you more and more. I still do. No one will ever know how happy I was.
What do I mean by him being the first guy I actually liked? Well, I every guy I have liked, I immediately fell for them. The minute I saw them I would have a crush on them. I crushed on them for the wrong reasons. It was all lust. I know it was. With you it was so much diffent. It took me two months before I started having feelings. This was the first time I had feelings for anyone. I actually fell for you for your personality. You were so diffent my freshman year. I wish I could see that side of you again. And my feelings lasted really long.
I went to my school for one reason, but stayed for another. I feel like God had this plan for me. I was ment to meet you and have you in my life for a reason. I am so blessed to have had you in my life. I really don’t know if I am actually allowed to say it. But I want to. I really did love you. blaaah. I will never forget you. Ever.
Today while I was getting ready for graduation, I was listening to my iPod. Then Regina Specktors “Eet” come on. I haven’t heard it since freshman year. All I can think about was that day I walked in the barroom for the first time. Now that I listen to it, it has a totally different meaning. On old school type writers, there was a key tht said “Eet” which was basically the backspace key. She’s pretty much talking about easier times ending and wishes she could live those precious moments again. It really did touch me when I heard it today.
I really don’t know where life is going to take me now. I don’t know what God has planned for me next. But all I know is that I am so greatful to have gone through this experience. The experience of falling for someone. Maybe even love. I know this isn’t a goodbye. But this isn’t a nice see you later. Either way, thank you for walking into my life. You’ll always have a special place in my heart.
